Stories seed our children’s dreams. A homemade story gives parents a chance to share hard-won wisdom about relationships: advice wrapped in the shiny foil of fantasy. What I want to teach my children about love is exactly the opposite of what Shel Silverstein envisions in The Giving Tree. I want my children to dream of reciprocal, egalitarian love.

The Giving Tree loves a little boy so much that she gives him her apples, her leaves, her branches, her trunk so that he can pursue his goals. The boy grows, leaves her for other loves, but as an old man he returns to sit on what left of her, her stump, and, as Silverstein writes, “the tree was happy.” Come on: was the tree really happy? No-one is fulfilled when their beloved treats them like a doormat, decoration, or bottomless teat.  (The hilarious Robert Munsch subverts one-sided giving in The Paper Bag Princess).

It is not insignificant that Silverstein’s tree is a “she.” His allegory glorifies a form of feminine, martyr- love that has a long history in Western culture. In Hans Christian Anderson’s telling of The Little Mermaid, for example, the mermaid gives up her family, culture, tail, and voice in pursuit of the prince she saves from drowning. When her beloved chooses another, she has a chance to kill him and regain her underwater life. Instead she casts herself into the sea to dissolve into sea foam, yet instead turns into an angelic sprite.

This vision of love as the angelic sacrifice of self is what I want to counteract in my storytelling. When our daughter, at age 4, watched Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,” she frowned at the end, asking, “Why does Ariel have to leave her daddy and sisters? Why can’t Eric come live with her?” Indeed. Why not? In the stories you make for your kids, anything is possible.

In the bedtime stories I tell my children, surfers and mermaids rescue each other from sharks; aliens fall in love with earthlings and work out compromises that allow them to live between two worlds; lovers make each other magic strength potions; to love is to give and to take. True love is two people sacrificing and changing for each other. This message is as important for my son as it is for my daughter.

So, think of all you have learned of love, curl up with your child, and pour your heart into a fantasy. I can’t promise that your child won’t date some bad-eggs in the hormone haze of youth, but hopefully when your child needs it, she will reach inside and find that Valentine you left so many years ago.

Thinking we were too old to try again, we settled into a pleasant emotional space with our newborn family. But 12 months later something got us thinking we should try again. What got us thinking was not societal pressure, nor a desire to recycle all of the “stuff” we had accumulated. We simply wanted our son to benefit from the joys of siblinghood that we enjoyed growing up, and explore his days with a partner in crime.

This intuitive desire to create a sibling unit seems to be just what the developmental psychologist ordered. While some research indicates that being an only child builds confidence, other research concludes that having a sibling supports healthy development. An article in Times Magazine explains that having a sibling greatly enhances a child’s conflict resolution and negotiation skills; his sense of patience and acceptance.

The fruits of our new labor have come to bear in a big way in recent months as my children enthusiastically play together, scheme together and defend one another. My husband and I delight in watching this love affair unfold. Remember those early months when you slip into new love with someone? You don’t want to leave their side, their not-so-funny jokes seem hilarious, and nothing they do repels you. Despite a few momentary melt-downs and frequent bursts of roughhousing, my boys’ new bond seems impenetrable.

Of course we’d like to take some credit for laying the foundation for this relationship. For over a year my husband has been telling my son “Future Stories” at bedtime. These are stories about both of my sons and their shared adventures. He weaves into these stories practical lessons, emotional journeys, and fantastical experiences. Often my son will even ask for a Future Story and won’t be satisfied until his little brother is made co-protagonist.

And so on this Valentines Day, while I deeply appreciate the wonderful love I have found with my husband, and am ever grateful for both of our stealth reproductive systems, I am especially delighted by the very special love between my sons.

We hope to turn our Future Stories into a series of children’s stories where two brothers learn what it means to grow up with their most endeared yet most frustrating ally. In a few years that will be our Valentines gift to them.

If you would like some tips on creating a Future Story that has the dual power of engaging and lullabying, let us know. Gene (my husband) is happy to share his tricks of the trade.

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February is Black History month, and I’d like to tell my 5-year- old daughter about The Little Rock Nine, the brave African American high-school students who faced down racist mobs and the Arkansas National Guard in order to integrate the Little Rock Central High School over the course of a year in 1957. It’s easy for me to tell my children an allegorical story about prejudice in the tradition or Dr. Seuss’s The Sneeches. It’s much more challenging for me to make this true story work for a 5-year old. My children are white and live in an affluent, multicultural community: I’m not sure they grasp what racism means, let alone segregation.

That’s why I’m so glad I stumbled upon Becky Birtha’s Grandmama’s Pride in the Montclair Public Library’s Civil Rights display.

Ms. Birtha’s wonderful book tells the story of two black sisters who go to visit their grandmother down South in the summer of 1956. The story’s young narrator notices that her mother steers her to the back of the bus, pulls her away from the lunch counter and the water fountain. Her aunt teaches her to read and as her literacy burgeons so does the realization that “Whites Only” signs forbid her entrance to bathrooms and restaurants. My daughter was outraged as she sounded out the signs and made this realization along with Birtha’s protagonist. Ms. Birtha also convey’s her narrator’s pride in her grandmother’s peaceful resistance to segregation.

Showing your child segregation through the eyes of child makes it real for them, and keeps it developmentally appropriate. I’ll take this lesson from Ms. Birtha into my storytelling. Even history requires literary devices! I will tone down the violence of the white mobs because it’s just too much for my 5-year-old. One of my story’s protagonists will be Carlotta Walls LaNier, the youngest of the Little Rock Nine, as she grows up in segregated, inferior black schools. I’ll also point out that at least one white student at the school had the moral courage to befriend the young black heroes.

How do you talk to your children about America’s history of racism? How do you tell the stories of Black heroes and Civil Rights leaders? Which African Americans are your heroes? Share at Storygins.

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The premise of Monster High is that there is a special school for the offspring of legendary monsters.  It sounds like a cool outsider fantasy but from what I can see of the website copy and videos, these monster princesses are anything but counterculture. For example, “Draculaura” complains, “Since I can’t see my reflection in the mirror, I have to leave my house not knowing if my clothes and makeup are just right.” Many of the Monster High “books” seem to be fashion manuals. I take solace in the fact that my daughter’s favorite character is the zombie and nerd, Ghoulia Yelps. I asked her why she loves the toy: “They are teenagers and they are half- monster!” Neither my daughter nor I have watched the TV show, and I’m trying to hold that line for as long as possible.

My sister Amy, who was once an avid Barbie puppet-master, has grown into a fabulously fierce woman and curriculum specialist at a public school in the Bronx. When I asked her if I thought these dolls were good for little girls, she said, “My students are obsessed with Monster High. I think the fact that the monsters say there is a whole other world of ‘Normies’ out there strikes a chord with them.  Maybe it’s about relating to a community of ‘others’ who know they are special and magical.” Monster High blends the important message of outsider pride with gender conformity in its products, leaving this parent ambivalent.  In the end, I let my sister buy my daughter one of the dolls for Hanukkah.

Like her mom, my daughter is a fantasy addict. I don’t want to be authoritarian about her fantasy world. Forbidding a plaything only makes it sexier. As indifferently as possible, I let my daughter know that I thought there were other fantasy goddesses cooler than the Monster High set, like Storm from Xmen and the Greek Goddess Athena.

I also started telling her a series of homespun stories about girl superheroes called the Secret Sisterhood of the Green Stone, in which our protagonists put their energy into defending their community from alien outlaws and oil spills instead of primping. I can’t insulate my child from cultural junk I don’t approve of. But I can subvert and resist the prevalence of narcissistic princess stuff by creating homespun heroines that reinforce values like bravery, compassion, independence, service, and persistence.

Calling all fantasy nerds: do you create heroines for your kids; do you know of a cool graphic novel or fantasy series for elementary-school girls?

As with any party, the food, drink and company are all essential, but with a child’s party it is the entertainment and party favors that really count! I thought about my son’s interests (music, dance, play acting) and our family’s talents and then crafted a centerpiece activity for the children to enjoy. This activity combined original music (my husband is a musician, of Groovelily fame, who loves to create musical stories with our sons), storytelling and group play acting (that’s where I come in) and an enchanted forest (my son’s theme of choice).

The kids listen as the eagle prepares to take off into the sky; they're next.

Right after pizza and cake, I took the children on a musical story adventure through an enchanted forest. I was the narrator and director. The children were the improvisers, actors and acrobats.  My husband on drums and a friend on piano accompanied my story, perfectly conveying the feeling of each moment. The sudden appearance of a wicked witch flying her broom above lent itself to a sudden crash of the symbols. While the innocent frog hopping along below inspired a rhythmic march of the piano.

Our enchanted forest story lasted for a good twenty minutes until the musicians requested something a bit edgier. So we moved onto a slick trumpet-playing cat, in search of the hippest jazz club in the city, whose trumpet is suddenly stolen. All in all, I was able to engage the kids in a solid 30-40 minutes of focused and fascinated play.

The unintended consequence of all of this was that I had a blast. Flexing my spontaneously creative muscles in front of an audience of children, with no judgment, was pure joy. And even better, through this playacting I built a new bond with each of the children. The next day at school one child, who normally whispers a very uninterested  “Hi” at me, had a glimmer in her eye when she saw me. Another boy who came for a playdate, and who is normally shy around me, immediately insisted that I go down to the basement with the kids in search of the mysterious monster. Connecting with them through their own language, the language of story and play certainly paid off. I have twenty new friends!!

Here are some tips that will help you to create your own birthday party story adventure:

Build the structure ahead of time. While I knew that I would have to improvise a bit in the moment, I laid out the story line on paper and referred to it throughout the story. Of course it began with “Once Upon a Time there was a frog who was happily jumping along a path inside an enchanted forest.” It is important to immediately introduce the character doing something physical.

Include characters with a variety of physical characteristics. If you have a frog who jumps, perhaps you don’t need a bunny who hops. Give the kids a snake who slithers, a butterfly who flies invisibly, a unicorn who gallops. Get all parts of their bodies involved.

If you get stuck, ask the kids what happens next. You’ll be happily surprised by what they come back with. And even if you are not stuck, use this technique to keep the kids engaged, and to bring the creativity to the next level. (Word of caution: don’t forget to ask the birthday boy for his idea first!).

Get into role yourself right from the beginning. The kids were watching closely to see if I really believed the story. When the wicked witch appeared I looked up at the sky with shock and fright. When the wise owl gave his magical instructions perched high up on a branch, I pulled out my best yoga-balancing pose, closed my eyes and gave my instructions in a deep-throated voice. The children did the same in their own way.

Don’t forget the opportunity to teach a moral lesson. In our story, the wicked witch was turning the forest pollution, the garbage that the animals recklessly left laying around, into dirty, sticky slime. (Enviro-mom just can’t help herself!)

If you’re shy, make it “kids only”. While I have a good amount of theater acting experience and have taught close to 200 hours of life skills and literacy classes to elementary school children, even I preferred not to perform in front of parents. Consider making the party a “drop off” and know that you will not be judged!

Gene Lewin on drums feeling the rhythm of the story & movement of the kids

While we don’t all have easy access to a musician, this activity is something you can weave into a party with or without music. Success is based on your ability to commit to both narrating and acting the parts with enthusiasm and joy.

Oh and the party favor: we customized a CD with all of the kids favorite songs, with our son introducing each track and whose favorite song it was. Good thing I married a musician who also knows sound editing.

Please let us know if you try this out at your next birthday party. And don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for ongoing tips on ways to bring story and imaginative play into your parenting this year.

Getting Goofy is Good for Parents Too

You don’t have to sit still to tell a story. On a temperate day this week, I took our kids to an empty playground to play “Superpower Challenge,” a game my husband invented and I adapted. The idea is to give your kids age-appropriate physical challenges, and then to bestow imaginary superpowers upon them as rewards.

We named a tree “The Oracle” and pretended it whispered challenges and rewards into the ears of each player. My 2.5-year-old climbed up a slide and gave himself “Rainbow Power,” the power to slide down a rainbow to anywhere. My daughter told us we all had to “fly” (run) around the park 2 times to win the power to talk to birds. (I was panting.) To transform this imaginative play into a story with structure, I asked the kids to use their superpowers to solve a problem. My five-year-old daughter wanted to “make people pay attention to too much pollution and global warming; make people protect the earth.” We staged a superhero press conference in Washington, DC, and used “our powers” to make a dramatic entrance: sliding down a rainbow (a slide). Then we used our powers to translate the warnings of the dolphins, eagles, penguins, and polar bears to the President and the Congress. (Pretend politicians pay attention to children and animals).

Fantasy play is more than a serious calorie burner.  Some children are kinesthetic learners, they learn best through movement and touch. A movement-story is a great way to teach a fidgety kid how to communicate and solve problems. Movement stories combine three types of play: body play, imaginative play, and storytelling.

The state of play—relaxed, stimulated, and receptive—opens profound learning possibilities.   Dr. Stuart Brown, a pioneer in the field of play research, contends that play is critical for children and adults because it makes them more adaptive: in his words, “play lights up the brain and. . . .allows creatures to explore the possible.” In his lecture Serious Play, he says “The basis of human trust is established through play signals.” Research shows play makes grown-ups more innovative, more collaborative, and more motivated in their work. Yet many parents are profoundly uncomfortable getting in the play state, even with their kids. We sit, exhausted, on the sidelines of parks and gyms, pounding on our smart phones and letting “professionals” engage our kids in play. We stretch ourselves scheduling classes and driving from point A to B. Goofy parenting is a dying art form.

I am almost always tired. The surprising thing about playing with my kids is that it reinvigorates me when I think I have not a drop of energy left. Kids need to play on their own. Kids need to play with other kids. Sometimes kids need to play with their parents, and that play can take many forms, including stories. Parents might be the ones who benefit most from this shared play. In the words of Dr. Stuart Brown, “The opposite of play is not work. It’s depression.”

# # #

~ Salt In His Shoes by Deloris Jordan

~ A Chair For My Mother by Vera B. Williams

~ A Girl Named Helen Keller by Margo Lundell

~The Empty Pot by Demi

~Tillie and the Wall by Leo Lionni

~ The Bee Tree by Patricia Polacco

~ Swimmy by Leo Lionne

~ The Tortoise and the Hare, one of Aesop’s Fables

Share your favorite books on these themes below!

I asked my son what he thought about this whole New Years Resolution-setting thing. He immediately and enthusiastically started listing off all kinds of resolutions for himself: “be a great runner, be a great artist, have fun because when kids are having fun the world is a happier place, etc., etc.”

“Excellent; he is a boy with dreams!” I thought. But then pragmatic mom jumped in “how can I help him to actually achieve these things and feel good about himself?”

You see I know that helping children to believe they can succeed is an essential life-skill. It is what psychologists call “self-efficacy”*, the ability to define a goal, persevere, and see oneself as capable. Researchers have found direct correlations between high self-efficacy and personal accomplishment, reduced stress and lower vulnerability to depression. Aren’t those qualities that every parent wants their children to possess? Researchers found that one of the key sources for building self-efficacy is through observing others. Seeing someone similar to oneself work hard to achieve a goal makes you a believer that you too can do the same. Isn’t that what the Weigh Watchers advertising team is banking on?

A great way to encourage these types of observations with your children is through stories, either factual or fictional. Try these practices in the New Year:

1) Read stories with relatable characters and variety of goals.

For example the classic story, The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper with the little engine’s declaration “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can” A wonderful tale of persevering despite obstacles. Use children’s books like this one as an opportunity to launch into discussions of your child’s own goals, potential obstacles and ways to overcome them.

For a list of children’s books on this theme, visit a recent post on Storygins.

2) Tell stories to model determination and perseverance

Make up an imaginary character (perhaps a character similar to your child or a character you know he relates to) and tell a story of his journey to achieve a goal. It may be as simple as learning to ride a bike or as epic as saving the world from destruction in 30 days.. Consider bringing your child into the narrative choices – ask him to define the goal, the obstacles, methods to overcome them.

3) Share family stories

Every child wants to be just like Mom, Dad, and big brother/sister. Tell stories from your own past that speak to the challenges you faced along the way. Be clear about what strengths and skills you possessed that helped you to achieve the goal.

Back to my son’s resolutions. I hope to help him to create more actionable and attainable goals for himself. Being a great runner or great artist is a wonderful dream, but the more realistic goal is to “work hard at my running” or “work hard at my art”. I intend to help him come up with a plan and acknowledge him with strong, specific messages that reinforce the skills and capabilities that he possesses that are enabling his progress. Who knows, he might end up being a great artist or he might not. But, at the very least, he will learn to believe in his own capacity to make things happen.

Happy New Year! Here’s to stories becoming a bigger and rewarding part of your parenting this year. Let us know if you try any of these practices and what stories you create!

In our home, this holiday season, we have been talking about the circle of giving and receiving: the more you give, the more you receive. That giving is just as joyous, if not more joyous, as receiving.  But of course talking about it is not enough. We learn best through trial, error, and reflection. So we started experimenting this year by alternating our 8 nights of Hanukkah between gift giving and giving back. One day my children receive gifts. The next day they give back to someone. The experiment began with my son choosing to give away one  of his beloved pieces of artwork to his favorite babysitter. He seemed to experience both the pain of letting go of something precious with the delight in seeing the touched twinkle in his babysitter’s eyes.

Two days later we went on a giving tour of your town: first stop, the Montclair Public Library to donate children’s books to children in need through a wonderful organization booksforkids.org. Second stop, dropping off cat food at a local store collecting food for shelter animals. Final stop the Human Needs Food Pantry (humanneedsfoodpantry.org/) where they are building bags of food for Christmas dinner donations.  On the final gift giving day my son wants to help kids who are less fortunate than he. He has chosen to donate some of his savings to CASA (an organization I have volunteered with that advocates for abused and neglected children casaforchildren.org.). Of course we’ll match his donation (and give a little more).

How does this tie back to parenting through stories? Last night when we told the Hanukkah story I paused and asked my son what kinds of gifts he thought they exchanged in those times a long, long time ago. He told me that “they received gifts like snow globes and bicycles. But they didn’t keep the gifts. The would give the gifts to others ’cause they wanted to take care of the world. Just like me. I want to take care of the world.” Sometimes it just takes a story to see if they really are taking in the lesson.

Whether it is Christmas day or the last day of Hanukkah, comment below and let us know how you are helping to build this sense of gratitude in your children.

And while I took comfort knowing that the eating, singing, playing games (dreidel), lighting the menorah would be very interesting to the children, it was through my own retelling of the story that I knew I could make the most impact. I focused less on the battle and destruction aspect of the story and more on the courage, wit, compassion, and positivity of the Jewish people. I explained that it was those qualities that helped the Jewish people to persevere and win-back their precious land and temple. And went on to explain that those are qualities that Jewish families today pass on to their children. At the end of the story I asked the children one by one if they possessed courage…wit….compassion…positivity. All hands went up and my son’s face beamed.

I came home that night to an email from one of his teachers that said “I loved your telling of the story of Hanukkah and plan to tell it that way to my kids when they are a bit older.”

That felt great. But still, I couldn’t help but wonder how many of his classmates asked their moms for latkes that night.